Thoughts in My Mind

One of the hardest things about this brain injury recovery has been not being able to turn to music and singing for peace and solace.

Right now, complex music can be hard for my brain to process, songwriting is taxing and confusing, singing brings on pain, and the timing and flow of my fingers for playing the piano and guitar is still far from perfect.

The strange thing is... I find that I have to remind myself that I am a musician. That I am a performer. That I am a dancer. That I flip my hair and jump up and down and put it all out there for thousands of amazing kids in auditoriums, several times a week. YES, I actually do these things and YES, they are the things that make me come alive.

And to be totally honest, I feel like I’m missing a big piece of me and within me there is this void.

But there’s a funny thing about voids. They make you feel empty, but at the same time, they provide an opportunity for you to expand. In some pretty amazing ways, in the midst of being empty, I have actually expanded.

I have expanded in hope. I have expanded in gratitude. I have expanded in patience.

Maybe I can’t sing or play music how my soul wants to right now. Maybe I can’t write new shows or plan big motivational talks right now. Maybe it’s even hard for me to feel my 100% normal self because of strange happenings in my brain right now.

But I CAN savor the expansion I have been given, and make a vow to myself that when do I get fully back up on my feet, I will never, ever take anything for granted again.

Voids are uncomfortable. But expansions are good.

And it’s all a part of the growth and the journey and part of being a total work in progress.